The ABC's of Being Human
by SironaFlett .o.x.o
Summary: Short sweet alphabetised drabbles around our favourite vampire werewolf and ghost - Alex Hal and Tom.
1. A is for Antiseptic

**Antiseptic**

"Oh stop being such a baby," Alex said, pushing Tom over so she could reach the scratch marks on his back.

"It hurts though!" Tom cried as another splattering hit his skin.

"Oh come on, it's only antiseptic cream," Alex said testily. "You don't want an infection do you?"

"Well you try having it get into your bloodstream," Tom grumbled.

Alex finished rubbing the mix on his back and wiped her hands. "Right you're done, go get changed, you have to help Hal rebuild most of the cellar."

"Can't I go to bed?" Tom asked pulling on one of his shirts, he rotated his shoulders a little and grumbled slightly.

"Not until the door closes properly," Alex replied.

"FUCK!" Came Hal's voice. There was a small crash and some thumping. Alex and Tom looked at each other before rushing over to the cellar stairs. Hal stood at the bottom holding his cut hand and swearing under his breath.

"What happened?" Tom asked glancing over Hal's shoulder at the shredded cellar.

Hal looked up at his friends and then said meekly. "I had a fight with the door."

Alex burst out laughing. "Alright, come here you big tit." She held up the bottle of antiseptic cream. "We'll get that seen to."

"I suffered bullet wounds much more painful than this," Hal replied sourly. "I will not have that stuff touch my skin so long as there is air in my lungs,"

"Men are such babies," Alex muttered.


	2. B is for Bathroom

**Bathroom**

"Jesus Christ," Hal cried, opening the door. Alex was sat on the toilet, her legs crossed and staring up at him. Hal was holding his folded black clothes and wearing his disgusting metallic dressing gown and looked at her displeased. "Alex what are you doing here?"

"Sitting," Alex replied. "See?"

Hal fumed a little, putting his clothes to the side and checking the shower water with deliberation. Once happy that it was warm enough, he left it to run. "Are you going to leave any time soon?"

Alex tilted her head, her eyes moving over Hal making him feel a little uncomfortable. "Um… No. I don't think I will."

"Alex,"

"What? You act as if I haven't seen it all before!" Alex cried.

"What?"

"Nothing," Alex pursed her lips and stopped herself from giggling.

Hal cleared his throat. "Alex,"

"I don't watch you or Tom in the shower!"

"Tom as well?! ALEX!"

"I don't!" Alex stood up, her dress floating around her. "Seriously. But that mole on your left arse is cute."

She vanished.

"ALEX!" Hal bellowed.


	3. C is for Chicken

**Chicken**

"I'm sick of having chicken casserole after every full moon," Tom said.

"Well I'm sorry," Hal said, placing the plate in front of Tom. "But chickens are bloody expensive and until we get a lifetime supply of them free of charge that we can use willy-nilly, we are not letting them go to waste."

Tom let out a groan as Hal went to fetch some wine for himself and a glass of juice for Tom.

"Why'd I never get to have wine?" Tom asked.

"Do you remember the last time you tried it?" Hal asked. "You threw up on the carpet and Alex refused to help clean it up."

"Not my fault," Alex said appearing on her seat. "I just refuse to mop up werewolf sick."

Hal rolled his eyes and began to cut into the casserole that he had prepared. Tom followed suit and picked up his fork. As Hal was about to take a bite Alex opened her mouth.

"Don't you ever wonder if Tom might have pissed on it whilst he was in werewolf mode?"

Hal closed his mouth and he and Tom shared a look. He got up and picked up the plates as Tom also got up and grabbed his jacket.

"I'll go get chips,"

"Good idea." Hal said, scrapping the food into the bin.

Alex sat back in her chair and laughed.


	4. D is for Disney

Disney

Alex had a tendency to flick through channels. It annoyed Hal so much that he would often hide the remote from her. Often when they couldn't agree to watch something on the television they would opt to watch a DVD, though usually they couldn't agree on the genre of that either.

When Hal emerged from his room one morning and went down to the reception room, he saw that Alex and Tom were sitting quite happily in front of the television, watching a cartoon. He frowned slightly and moved behind them.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

Alex turned around hastily and got up. "Tom, keep watching, you'll love what happens next," She said. "Hal, with me!"

She pushed him out of the reception towards the kitchen, leaving him a little confused.

"What's going on?"

"Well, Tom had the day off work," Alex said. "And he caught me singing a Disney song and wondered what it was about, so I told him and he doesn't know what Disney is…"

"So you decided to show him?" Hal asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh come on Hal!" Alex cried. "Everyone under 80 years old loves Disney. And I know you think it's dumb and stupid and not worth anything, but to me it is, and Tom should have that same connection!"

Hal was shaking his head and pulling out his mobile phone from his suit jacket. He pressed it up against his ear and held out a finger to Alex ordering her to be quiet. "Hello, Martha! Yes, it's Hal. It appears that a domestic situation has arisen so I shan't be in today," Alex's face brightened as Hal continued. "No, everything shall be okay. I assure you. But in case of any emergencies within the hotel I shall be on call just in case. Okay, see you tomorrow." He ended the call and put the mobile phone back into his pocket.

"Well?" He asked. "Come on," He moved across the kitchen towards the reception and pulled off his tie before sitting down on the sofa next to Tom. "Which one are we watching?"

"Oh the much loved remake of Hamlet," Alex said flopping down beside Hal. "The Lion King. Didn't know you were a fan of Disney Hal,"


	5. E is for Exercise

**Exercise**

"Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three,"

"Surprise cupcakes!" Alex cried rentaghosting into the room. Hal halted in doing his press-ups and Tom looked over, slowing the pedals of his exercise bike.

"Cupcakes?" Tom asked.

"Yeah," Alex said. "Nicked them from the local bakery. "Say what you will, but having a skirt and being dead makes hiding shit from humans so much easier," She held out the packet of cupcakes and Tom leapt up grabbing one.

"Hal?" Alex asked, holding one out to him.

Hal shook his head and stared his press-ups again. "Seventy-four, seventy-five, seventy-six,"

"God, you are so dull," Alex said. "You sure you don't want one? All you've been doing is wailing on your pecks and reading sad poetry. Reminds me of a guy I dated…"

Tom wiped his mouth of frosting. "Sure it wasn't just Hal?" He asked.

"I'll remind you that you bullied me into dating her," Hal grunted.

Alex pursed her lips before coming up with an idea. She tucked a cupcake between her hands and hid it behind her back before sitting on Hal as he moved onto his 100th press-up.

"Alex!" He cried. "Get off."

"Not until you eat the cupcake, Cupcake," She sang.

"I need to exercise," Hal said.

"No, you need a cupcake," Alex said. "I didn't just steal for Tom. Don't let my efforts go to waste."

"Alex! Get off!"

"Nope," She held out the cupcake in front of Hal's face. "Come on princess, I know you want it."

Hal kept his arms taught. "Alex,"

"I'll get off if you eat it." Alex said.

Hal let out an exasperated sigh then opening his mouth as wide as he could he dived for the cupcake, pushing it into his mouth whole. Tom and Alex let out a cheer. Alex jumped off and Hal got up and high-fived Tom.

"Was it really that hard mate?" Tom asked, helping himself to another cupcake.

"Yes," Hal said, swallowing and wiping his face. "Out both of you, so I can punish myself for that."

Alex made a face, grabbing Tom's hand and the cupcakes.

"Leave the cupcakes," Hal said.

Alex grinned. "Nope." She said as they left the room.


	6. F is for Friday Nights

**Friday Nights**

"Now which way does the Bishop move?" Hal asked, leaning over Tom's shoulder.

Tom pursed his lips and picked the Bishop moving it slightly to the left. He looked up at Hal hopefully and the vampire shook his head.

"No Tom." He said.

"Oh," Tom put the chess piece back to its original position. He looked at the chess board for a second before moving the bishop piece diagonally.

"That's right," Hal said. "But what piece to take? Do you aim low for the pawn, or try and take out the Queen. Which is the bigger danger?"

"If the queen takes me out," Tom said. "Will that mean that my other bishop," He motioned to the piece. "Will be able to check mate her?"

"Oh my god!" Alex cried. "I have been around statues with more life than you two!"

Hal and Tom blinked, looking up at her. "I beg your pardon?" Hal asked.

"It's Friday night! We're young, a little dead, yeah, but we should go out!"

"You two are young," Hal said. "I however, am reaching my 519th birthday."

"Tom?" Alex tried desperately.

Tom shook his head. "I'm learning chess," He said proudly.

"I am so embarrassed for you right now." Alex said.


	7. G is for Groceries

**Groceries**

"Hal keeps scribbling on your shopping lists," Alex said pouting slightly as she followed Tom around the supermarket. Tom glanced over her and snatched the note from her hands. "What was that for?"

"Floating paper makes people nervous," Tom replied. "Right… One large chicken."

"One large chicken…" Alex dipped down and searched through the shelves. "There's a huge one back here." She declared after a moment. Tom picked the chicken up and weighed it in his hands for a moment. Then with a smile, he tipped it into the trolley.

"So Hal's said that you can't have sweets or crisps… Does that make you angry?" Alex held out her fist to Tom pretending it was a microphone. "Are you going to Hulk out?"

"I ain't going to listen to him Alex," Tom replied picking up a pack of bacon and flinging it into the trolley before grabbing some yoghurt. "Does Hal like strawberry or raspberry? I know one of them sends him off his rocker like it does with Kia-Ora…"

"Strawberry." Alex replied. Tom put it into the trolley and began to move away.

"Oh… Maybe it's raspberry…" Alex said.

Tom looked down at the trolley. "Well I'm nowt going back. Hal can suck it."

"If you want to be like that you might as well get Kia-ora too."

"Not getting kia-ora." Tom replied. "That's an even worse idea."

"I miss chocolate. What are these?" Alex pointed at the spices in the trolley.

"Some Polish stuff Hal likes to cook with. He says it reminds him of his travels," Tom replied. "He makes casserole out of them."

Alex pulled a face.

"Don't use spice up in Scotland?" Tom asked.

"Nope. There are two herbs we use in Scotland. And those are salt and vinger."

"I don't think those are herbs Alex,"

"Exactly." Alex replied. "Oh jings, look at this poor sod. Looks like he's having a mid-life crisis,"

"Be nice," Tom said.

The man noticed him. "Sorry what?"

Tom cleared his throat. "Nice day intit?"

He grunted in return. Tom glared at Alex who was laughing herself stupid.


	8. H is for House Proud

**House proud**

Hal picked up Alex's feet and brushed the crumbs away from the table. Then, still holding her feet aloft, he pushed the hoover underneath, cleaning every inch of the carpet. Alex wasn't paying attention, her gaze fixed on the screen. Tom dropped beside her, eating a pastry.

"What you watching?" He shouted over the noise.

"Flog It!" She shouted back despite being only a few inches from him.

"OH!" Tom cried.

"HAL I THINK THE CARPET'S CLEAN NOW!" Alex shouted.

"WHAT?" Hal looked over, narrowing his eyes.

Alex opened her mouth to say something but rentaghosted away. The hoover stopped suddenly and she reappeared holding the plug in her hand.

"I said, I think the carpet is clean," Alex said.

Tom nodded in agreement and wiped the crumbs from his shirt away. They fell on the floor and Hal raised an eyebrow. "Sorry mate," Tom muttered, his mouth full.

"Why can you two not be more house proud?" Hal asked.

"I think you are house proud enough for all of us," Alex said, flopping back onto the chair and putting her feet up.

"A little help with the cleaning up and…" Hal dipped down, swiping up the crumbs into his hand. "And actually trying to keep the place clean would not go amiss."

"I'm not cleaning up!" Alex cried. "I have no mess to make!"

Hal pointed towards the stack of women's magazines that had been left in the corner with sharpie pen doodled all over the pages. Alex made a face.

"Well," She said clearing her throat. "I could be a lot worse. I could be a poltergeist."

"Could you really?" Tom asked.

"I think if I mustered up enough strength and motivation, I could be," Alex said proudly. She caught Hal's gaze. "Don't worry; I'm not becoming a poltergeist. I'd be scared for all of Barry and South Wales if I did. And not just because of the poo I'd fling around. More to do with your reaction to the poo,"

Hal closed his eyes and began to mutter to himself.

"What's that darling?" Alex asked.

He blinked. "Please don't become a poltergeist."

"Cross my heart," Alex said making a motion with her finger.


	9. I is for Inspection

**Inspection**

"Tom! Tom!" Hal burst into the main reception of the Barry Grand to see Tom seeing off new guests.

"Oh no, did Alex leave the front door open again and let the stray cats into the house?" Tom asked looking at Hal's face.

"Much worse,"

"Trust me, after the state it left you in, I doubt it could be much worse." Tom pointed out.

Hal pointed towards the two people who had followed him in. "Hotel Inspection," He said hoarsely.

Tom was rather taken aback. "But the hotel is cleaner than most hospitals. What are you worrying about?"

Hal pointed again. This time not to anyone who was following, but rather the figure that had appeared and was sitting on the desk with her legs folded and a large smile on her face.

"Oh no," Tom said.

"I'm not going to cause any trouble," Alex promised. "I may put salt in their tea or give the one with the nut allergy a snickers bar disguised as a Mars Bar."

Hal's eyes widened.

"Relax Hal," Alex said. "Everyone does a dickish sort of thing to hotel inspectors. I'll just be a bit more of a dick than others."

"I need to go count something," Hal said moving off.


	10. J is for Jokes

**Jokes**

"Okay," Alex cleared her throat and leaned forward. "So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck in the desert. It's incredibly hot and they are all hungry and thirsty. Each of them has brought something to keep the alive. The redhead brought sun cream because we like to stick to stereotypes here. The brunette brought water but the blonde brought a car door. The brunette and redhead ask her why she brought a car door."

Hal and Tom stared at her for a moment as she reached the punchline.

"And she says to them, 'Oh it's to keep me cool as we drive along."

Hal and Tom didn't even break a smile.

"Oh come on that's comedy gold!" Alex cried. "Okay, what do you call a man with no sex-drive?"

Hal shook his head. "I don't know."

"Suicidal!"

"I don't get it…" Tom said.

"Neither do I," Hal said with a slight frown.

"Fine!" Alex cried. "You tell a better joke!" She slid onto the armchair and Hal pursed his lips for a second.

"All the jokes I know pre-date political correctness," He said drawing a conclusion. "Tom?"

"Nowt learned jokes," Tom replied.

"Therefore I stand as the funniest person in this room," Alex said.

"Tell a better joke than that then," Tom tested her.

Alex paused for a moment. "Okay so and Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman all come across this magic slide that stretches for miles above the clouds. Beside it is a magical imp that tells them that if they shout for the thing they want most whilst going down the slide, it will be waiting for them at the bottom. So the Englishman goes down the slide and shouts for a beautiful woman. Sure enough she's waiting for him at the bottom of the slide. The Scotsman goes down and shouts for money. And flies into a big pile of cash. The Irishman goes down, only he's scared of heights and shouts 'HOLY SHIT'!"

Tom turned to Hal. "I don't get it."

Hal shook his head and Alex let out an exasperated cry.


	11. K is for Kia Ora

**Kia-Ora**

Hal leapt across the room, startling Alex slightly. "We should go out!" He cried, balancing precariously on the edge of the sofa. His eyes bright and shinning and a huge smile on his face.

Alex frowned. "What?"

"Out. Us. We. Go. Should." Hal said breathlessly.

Alex stared at him for a split second. "You hate going out."

"I think it will be really fun!" Hal cried almost centimetres from her face.

"Okay, your breath stinks," Alex said pushing him away.

"Why do you hate me?" Hal cried, flopping back.

Alex shook her head. "I don't hate you Hal."

"You do."

"No I don't."

"Then why haven't we slept together?"

"Because I'm dead!" Alex cried, closing her magazine. "I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work!"

"We should go out," Hal said it this time in a seductive manner. His fingers moved over Alex's neck tenderly.

"Have you been on the blood?" Alex raised an eyebrow.

"No…" Hal whispered, leaning towards her neck and kissing it lightly.

Tom barged in, slamming the front door behind him. He grabbed Hal under the arms and pulled him away from Alex.

"Sorry," He said. "Kitchen ordered in Kia-Ora… Hal got a hold of it."

"That's what he's like on Kia-Ora?" Alex asked.

"Yeah but give him a few hours he'll be right as reign," Tom reassured her. "Come on Hal, time for bed."

"Christ alive." Alex muttered scratching her cheek. "He acts like my brother when he's pissed. Except for the whole coming onto me thing. That would be weird."

Tom gave a bright smile before pushing Hal up the stairs.


End file.
